The words pour from fingers like taps of the soul. Something beautiful or sad, a fear, a memory, an adventure dreamed, a longing…never know what will come until you sit down and write it out. Sometimes, you embarrass yourself by your thoughts and quickly delete them, but you know they were inside you and that gives you pause. You ponder your own mind and try to decide if that is what you really believe. Believing translates to the page and connects you to others. How do you want to connect? What story will you tell? Will you inspire or rebuke? Will you be judged in a harsh shadow? Will they understand? Does it even matter?
The angst of this writer follows the path above. Not pretty, but very honest.
Angst— n (dictionary.com)
1. an acute but nonspecific sense of anxiety or remorse
2. (in Existentialist philosophy) the dread caused by man’s awareness that his future is not determined but must be freely chosen
Now, the word angst is always applied to teenaged EMOs with three-inch thick, black liner stenciling their eyes and boxed-ebony hair color. Perhaps a few tattoos and piercings. But the term is actual short for emotional and I offer we are all a bit emotional at times. For me, writing is an emotional experience and there is a certain level of uncertainty and dread involved. Being a Christian, I have more certainty than some because ultimately, I know Who I write for. He will understand. It will matter to Him. That relieves most of the dread and I humble myself to it.
But there are a few people that break my heart. Because of all the people in the world, they are the ones I want to love my work, or at least give it a try. They refuse, giving varying degrees of excuse and it is a jagged pill to swallow. I know it is more than likely my pride that causes this to hurt me, but I admit it is something I stumble on and that weighs on me. Even causing resentment to fester. I write about it today in order to flush that resentment and hurt away. All in hope that anger will not rise and blind me.
I pray God gives me wisdom and kind words to take the place of pride and pain.
I do wonder if you, dear reader, experience anything similar in your life? With people you love?
Peace. Love, and God’s will.